The Guest List

One of the earliest and most challenging aspects of wedding planning is creating the official, the dreaded, the budget-determining, the exclusive... Guest List.


This is difficult for a number of reasons:

1. You and your fiance(e) have different friends, not all of whom know each other.
2. Your family members live out of town and you see them once a year or less. Others, you have not seen or spent significant time with since you were 10, and you feel like they barely know you.
3. Venues will have limits on how many guests they can seat.
4. Parents may want to invite friends.

How do you choose how many people to invite, and how to deal with those that are offended?

I realized that once you have planned a wedding of your own, you will likely be less hurt if a friend does not invite you to theirs. That being said, I know how it feels to not receive an invitation to friends' weddings. (Was it because we really weren't that close, or was it their budget?) It's possible to still include friends in your life, even if you are not inviting them to the event. Christmas cards and emails help. Don't feel guilty about narrowing your guest list to stick to a budget or to suit your desire for a more intimate event, and explain this gently to anyone who thinks you should do it differently.


An issue came up with a family member who was hurt that some more-extended family weren't invited. We tried to remain calm (though we were upset at how this was communicated to us, without going into details) and explained our reasoning, realizing different generations view things differently, too.

I'm not one to go on and on about etiquette either. Our parents, when we asked who they would want to invite, all said: "Invite who you want- it's your wedding!" (Embarrassing story: One summer, I RSVP'd to two weddings, then couldn't go because my work situation changed, and I couldn't take the time off. My family brought me back my place card from each reception- oops! I realized in retrospect how rude this was, learning how caterers may require a number/deposit weeks in advance. I sent them cards to apologize, and it reminded me to be gracious with our own guests who might be ignorant of etiquette.)  Anyway, I heard etiquette can be a good thing to fall back on if someone is bugging you about why you did something a certain way: "That's what Emily Post said."

Eventually my fiance and I settled on a few rules to guide our list choices. We would invite immediate families and first cousins / aunts/ uncles, along with our grandparents. For friends, they had to have been a consistent part of our life as a couple or to either one of us individually in the most recent years.  Inevitably, there were a few exceptions (the great-aunt who was more like a grandmother, the couple I invited spontaneously without asking Josh first). Out of the 216 adults and 50 kids invited, just over 130 RSVP'd yes and came. It also helped that we planned the ceremony and reception for a Monday afternoon / evening.  It was painful to omit some friends, but afterwards we realized it was hard to feel like we spent much time with anyone at the reception because it went so quickly.

People say a wedding is all about you, and while it is certainly an important part of your commitment to each other, it is also about the guests.